Here was a joke on Thursday’s Saturday Night Live:
A man in Massachusetts who used a pellet gun to steal a hot dog from another man in the park has been sentenced to 18 months in prison. And just for future reference, stealing a guys wallet can buy you lots of hot dogs.
Here is my version:
A man in Massachusetts who used a pellet gun to steal a hot dog from another man in the park has been sentenced to 18 months in prison where he will be warmly embraced as “the guy who likes to grab other guy’s wieners.”
I’m a big fan of Robot Chicken on the Cartoon Network. It combines stop motion animation with CGI to create short (sometimes just a few seconds) sketch comedy. Here are two ideas for very short skits:
A courtroom setting. An older woman in a black leather jacket is on the witness stand being questioned by the defense lawyer.
“Miss Jett, could you please read to the jury the first sentence of your own account of how this all got started?” the lawyer asks.
Joan Jett sighs, and replies, “I saw him dancing there by the record machine, I knew he must a been about seventeen.”
“And are you aware of the statutory rape laws in this state?”
My second idea:
The nerd is running around inside Doctor Who’s violently shaking tardis, pushing various buttons, and pulling different levers in a desperate attempt to get it working.
Outside three high school bullies are shaking a port-o-let. One of them yells, “You’ve got to come out sometime, nerd!”
Inside the nerd is pleading with the tardis, “We must quickly depart from these time space coordinates!”
Ouside the bullies are losing interest, so they all get behind the port-o-let and tip it over so that the door is facing the ground. Then they walk away. The nerd tries to open the door to get out, but is stuck inside. He dejectedly comments, “I’m trapped inside my very own time machine!” Soon sewage starts leaking out the sides and the nerd adds, “and the Tardis is leaking trans-matter fluid.”
As we approach the Autumnal Solstice, new automobile models are being released along with a seemingly equal number of automobile racing video games. Every title these days is infinitely better than last year’s version: more tracks, more cars, and new forced feedback so realistic that serious crashes WILL give you full body bruising, internal organ damage, and life threatening concussions. Don’t get me wrong– all of this is great, but the next advance, in my humble opinion, will be when Google introduces their new World Racing Interface.
You see, Google has been busy photographing every square inch of the planet for the past few years. It started out with satellite images free for public viewing. Then they started driving around specially equipped vehicles that take high definition images every three feet and magically stitch them together so it actually feels like you are standing in front of your ex-girlfriend’s house for hours on end without police officers asking you to please remove your night vision goggles and produce a valid form of identification.
So in the near future, Google will use some type of wizard’s spell to access this four (insert made up word to represent some really really big number)-byte and counting map of the world. So now instead of just being able to race on a few tracks, you can go anywhere in the world– literally. Wait– maybe not exactly literally, but more of a symbolic literal manner. Sure, racing through the streets of downtown Seattle is fun for a while, but how about building your own race track through your own part of town? Wouldn’t that just kick some ass? Bond with your neighbors with a networked racing league. Just don’t take that last corner too fast or you could end up running into your own living room. And we all know if that happens you die in real life. No, that’s the Matrix.
The possibilities are endless. Who wants to recreate “Cannonball Run”? Or even “Cannonball Run 2”? How about “Smokey and the Bandit 2”? Just make sure you go to the bathroom before the race starts. And, for those who lack direction AND ambition you can just drive around with no particular destination. Enjoy the scenery of driving I-80 across Nebraska. The world is your oyster. Oyster has no cash value.
So, Google, you have your orders: get this new project up and running. I’m all ready to stay home and see the world. (while I’m drinking soda and eating nacho favored corn chips, of course.)
And Google, I know you Google yourself, and since I’ve used the world Google almost a dozen times now, I’m sure someone is going to see this on their Google Alert, so don’t pretend like you didn’t hear about it. I would like to see a beta version by the end of the year.