1851 Christmas Letter

It was just another typical retro 80’s Saturday night for me– I started streaming the original Tron movie on my 75 inch flat screen television, pulled out a cold six pack of Jolt soda from the refrigerator, and popped in a 5.25 inch floppy disc into my gaming computer which contained a slightly pirated version of “The Oregon Trail.” I was so excited to start the game that I hardly noticed the freak electrical storm brewing outside.

I can’t say exactly what happened next, but Jeff Bridges was playing glow in the dark death Frisbee, the last empty soda can fell on the carpet unnoticed, and the largest atmospheric electrical discharge ever recorded by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration all occurred the nanosecond the game’s title screen appeared on the monitor. In defiance of all the known laws of man and science, I suddenly existed solely INSIDE The Oregon Trail!

The game is in some ways similar to the matrix in The Matrix. Pretty much everything is reduced black and bright green characters on the screen. However, due to technological restrictions of the time, characters in The Oregon Trail game can’t do super cool things like learn Kung Fu in three seconds, stop bullets mid-air with their thoughts, or eat fresh baked cookies from the Oracle. 

Despite these limitations, I quickly adapted to life on the trail. The first decision I was faced with involved what type of transportation to purchase. I splurged and bought a top of the line model. This thing had everything– four wheels (no, not four wheel drive, just four wheels), a cover, and only a few large holes in the floor. I expect this will help to minimize loss of supplies and offspring throughout the journey. At the start of the journey I proclaimed, “No farting in the covered wagon!” In all honesty, my family did quite well adhering to this rule. The oxen, on the other hand, were in no way shy about clearing out *everything* from their lower bowels at any random moment in time. At least I would have the courtesy to run behind a rock when I needed to take care of business.

The journey across the Oregon Trail is filled with many unique dangers. While many travelers have been forced to deal with coyotes, bears, and sharknados, our largest setback involved fording a river during the peak of spring runoff. “Let’s just go around it!” was the first thought that came out of my mouth. It turns out that was a really, really bad idea. Plan B involved scavenging the area for materials until we were able to build a rudimentary CNC machine. Once this was functioning properly we used it to build a slightly less rudimentary saw mill. From there we applied to the local water resource management agency and in six to nine weeks we received a permit to build a temporary bridge. Once this was completed the crossing was a breeze.

After a few weeks on the trail everything settled into a predictable routine. While our navigation system was rudimentary at best, I suspected the end of our journey was near. One night, after the wagons had been circled and dinner had been served I took a moment to reflect on my video game life. The moon was nowhere to be seen and the cloudy arms of the milky way stretched clearly across the sky. Everything just seemed like it was going to work out OK. The cook, who looked exactly, and I mean spot on, like Sam Elliot from The Big Lebowski, was just finishing drying off the last mug with a dirty towel and wandered over to me for a few words.

Sam: I’ve got two things to say. First of all, when children are old enough to be afraid of the dark they aren’t REALLY afraid of the dark, they are just beginning to understand the utility of the light.

Me: Yeah, wow, that really makes a lot of sense. I guess I never really thought of it that way. What is the second thing?

Sam: You just died of dysentery.

Me: That’s shitty.

Sam: Yeah, you should have gotten that looked at the last town instead of sneaking off to the brothel.