My First AI Xmas Letter

So I fed my whole website into Google Gemini 2.5 and asked it to write a new Christmas Letter. Here is what it produced!

The Lutfey Letter – 2026 Edition: Is This Thing Still On?

Greetings Earthlings, Fellow Humans, and Potential Future Pen Pals!

Another year has zipped by faster than a UPS truck trying to make express delivery cutoffs before a three-day weekend. It’s time once again for the annual Lutfey family chronicle, painstakingly curated for your amusement and/or bewilderment. If you’re reading this, congratulations! You’ve survived another orbit around the sun, or you’ve successfully guessed the password to the archives. Either way, pull up a chair, grab a beverage (preferably not one that will stain the upholstery when you inevitably spit-take), and let’s dive in.

First, a programming note: After extensive internal debate (mostly involving me trying to convince Buddy the Bagel hound about the merits of third-person narration), we’ve decided against writing this year’s letter entirely from his perspective. While his insights into optimal napping locations and the philosophical implications of unattended food scraps are profound, his grasp of grammar remains… developing. So, you’re stuck with me again.

The Lutfey household continues its slow, inexorable march towards… well, something. Katherine remains the bedrock of sanity, somehow managing work, life, and the rest of us without (visibly) resorting to questionable coping mechanisms. Isabel is now navigating the treacherous waters of late high school – a confusing blend of demanding independence while simultaneously needing someone to locate her keys/phone/left shoe approximately every fifteen minutes. College applications loom, bringing with them the existential dread of essay prompts and the logistical nightmare of campus tours where every guide sounds suspiciously like a game show host. Samantha, deep in the throes of mid-teendom, communicates primarily through eye-rolls, cryptic slang I need an urban dictionary to decipher, and the occasional grunt that might mean “hello” or possibly “the dog just ate my homework.” Speaking of the dog, Buddy continues his quest for unsupervised counter-surfing glory and has taken up interpretive dance as a means of requesting walks.

My tenure as a UPS driver continues, providing daily doses of exercise, existential contemplation at traffic lights, and interactions with the fascinating tapestry of humanity (and their dogs, some of whom have very specific delivery protocols). My route remains a source of endless anthropological study. Discovered this year: the sheer volume of inflatable lawn decorations one neighborhood can sustain defies both logic and HOA regulations. Also, the mystery of the disappearing garden gnomes on Elm Street took a dark turn involving a squirrel, a misunderstanding over acorns, and witness protection. Don’t ask.

On the project front, the basement workshop continues to occasionally produce items slightly less dangerous than originally conceived. The CNC machine was recently employed to carve highly intricate patterns into… toast. Don’t judge; breakfast has never been more aesthetically pleasing, or generated more crumbs. My quest to learn Dungeons and Dragons hit a snag when my one-eyed cleric accidentally polymorphed the party’s barbarian into a throw pillow during a critical negotiation with a goblin king. Apparently, “persuasion” and “pillow-morph” sound similar when shouted during combat. Who knew? My patent for the energy-saving remote control holder hasn’t resulted in untold riches yet, but I did get a very nice rejection letter from a major electronics company on what appeared to be recycled papyrus. Progress!

We didn’t manage any intercontinental travel this year, unless you count Isabel’s virtual reality tour of the Martian colonies for a school project, which mostly involved her complaining about the questionable Wi-Fi signal near Olympus Mons. We did, however, brave the crowds for the annual Kinetics race, entering this year as “The Existential Squirrels.” Our craft, a marvel of engineering involving repurposed lawn furniture and an alarming number of zip ties, performed flawlessly right up until the moment it encountered water, at which point it achieved buoyancy levels previously only seen in anvils. We may not have won, but our dramatic sinking garnered sympathetic applause and possibly a tetanus shot for the pilot (me).

As I gaze out the window at the suspiciously quiet suburban landscape (are the squirrels plotting again?), I find myself pondering the big questions. Like, why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? And will humanity ever perfect the art of the silent snack bag opening for movie theaters? The world needs these answers, and possibly more space cowboys.

That seems to be the Lutfey experience, circa 2026. May your holidays be filled with joy, your Wi-Fi be strong, and your pets refrain from eating inedible objects. Until next year, remember the wise words often attributed (probably incorrectly) to various historical figures, but which I’m claiming for myself right now:

“Life is weird. Embrace the weird. And maybe hide the good snacks.”

Warmly (or possibly just suffering from poor thermostat regulation),

Omar Lutfey